By Edd Paul – @edd93paul
This season’s PFA Premier League Team of the Year has just been announced, and…actually, that’s not bad:
Consensus seems to be that this is actually a pretty sound selection. Naturally, though, there are dissenters; those who WILL NOT REST until we all bow at the alter of Alexis Sanchez, or David Silva or poor Sergio Aguero. Note to these moany shits; maybe your favourite players aren’t in there because, you know, other players were better, maybe?
Nevertheless, we are going to explore the righteous anger that follows any sort of ‘Team of the Year’ announcement and rate each player’s selection on how pissed off their inclusion makes us. Enjoy!
- Gary Cahill: Look, we like Gary Cahill. Him and his no-nonsense northerness and short-back-and-sides-for-eternity barnet and the fact he’s called ‘Gary’, probably one of the last great Gary’s the Premier League will see for a while. But: Toby Alderweireld. Come on. Alderweireld has had an absolute stormer this season as part of a mean Spurs defence that’s conceded just 22 goals. This is just ‘Gary’ tokenism, pure and simple. ANGER: 10/10
- David De Gea: The Manchester United stopper is one of the best goalkeepers in world football, and has graced the PFA’s TotY for the past four seasons. While he hasn’t been bad this campaign, he’s simply not been as good as other players. Burnley’s Tom Heaton has made double the amount of saves (126 to De Gea’s 62), which could be attributed to playing for the distinctly average Clarets, but is still pretty incredible. Give someone else a go, Dave. Heaton has to live in Burnley, he deserves your spot for that alone. ANGER: 8/10 (extra point added for that stupid haircut. You don’t see Heaton with that weird undercut mohawk cut, do you?)
- David Luiz: The fact there are TWO Chelsea defenders in here, and neither are Cesar Azpilicueta, is a travesty. Maybe he’s not in there because his name is slightly tricky to spell? Remember, footballers vote on this so name simplicity is a big plus if you’ve got it. Footballers also like hair, which Luiz has in abundance. God damn you, Sideshow. ANGER: 7/10
- Kyle Walker / Danny Rose: This is the part of the article where I wonder whether I’ve thought this through properly – which I definitely haven’t – because basically the rest of the team is all pretty worthy of their selection. But I’M POWERING THROUGH, WITH BLIND CONVICTION. With Walker and Rose, we have the niggling doubt they’ve been made to look pretty damn good by having the rock solid centre-back pairing of Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen backing them up every time they foray up the pitch. Also, Antonio Valencia is having a pretty fine season. *clutches straws intensely* ANGER: 5/10 (2.5 each)
- Sadio Mané: Uhh… he pissed off to AFCON halfway through the season? Does that count? In fairness, his name contributes to so many rubbish Fantasy Premier League team names (OH, WOW, ‘SHOW ME THE MANE’, HOW ORIGINAL) so some anger is justified. Plus, if you were going to swap any of the midfield out for Alexis Sanchez, it’d probably be him. Not that you would. Christ, this is tough. ANGER: 3/10
- Dele Alli: Before you shout at me, he did have a relatively slow start to the season, if three goals and two assists in his first 15 games can constitute slow. But then he became The Next Big Thing again and all is well with the world. ANGER: 2/10
- Romelu Lukaku: Never mind those 24 goals and six assists, he questioned Everton’s ambition and argued with Ashley Williams. GRRRRR. ANGER: 1/10
- Harry Kane / N’Golo Kanté / Eden Hazard: Nope. Not even going to try. ANGER: 0/10
